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#351 (permalink)      5/18/2016 6:01:45 PM US Central   quote/reply + tips
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waldog
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"No, you're never too old to Rock'n'Roll if you're too young to die." I.A./J.T.
#352 (permalink)      5/18/2016 6:22:19 PM US Central   quote/reply + tips
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Andre_Here
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How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

--------------------------

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

--------------------------

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.
So poor that I'm using paperclips for coils, strips of cotton jeans for wicks and coupons: MAP, BLF, DEALS & Event Discounts! But, I'm feeling much better now! LOL + No one should have 0 Kudos
#353 (permalink)      5/19/2016 5:09:31 AM US Central   quote/reply + tips
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DaddyDead
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Quis custodiet ipsos custodes - Quod erat demonstrandum
#354 (permalink)      5/19/2016 5:20:38 AM US Central   quote/reply + tips
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fujiibear
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I posted this elsewhere before but maybe its new to you :)


Health Tips From My Chinese Doctor



Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make
you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want
to live longer? Take nap.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of
goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one,
etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting vegetable be bad for
you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only do sit-up if you want bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food
around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up misconception you have had about food and
diet.

And remember:

Life should NOT be journey to grave with intention of arriving safely in attractive and well-preserved body, but rather
you skid in sideways on 1 leg- Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a
ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health from the good Doctor.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Scammers Gotta Scam! How To Keep Idiots In Suspense.'Wink'
#355 (permalink)      5/19/2016 8:04:31 AM US Central   quote/reply + tips
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Andre_Here
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There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!
So poor that I'm using paperclips for coils, strips of cotton jeans for wicks and coupons: MAP, BLF, DEALS & Event Discounts! But, I'm feeling much better now! LOL + No one should have 0 Kudos
#356 (permalink)      5/19/2016 10:56:57 AM US Central   quote/reply + tips
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DaddyDead
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My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!"

Then I unplugged his life support.
--------------------------------------------------
What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
--------------------------------------------------
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES!

Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
-------------------------------------------------
How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday?

By putting flowers on the grave.
--------------------------------------------------
Why do Mexicans never have Sex Ed. and Driver's Ed. on the same day?

They have to give the donkey a break at some point.
--------------------------------------------------
So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back…

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
--------------------------------------------------
So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster…

Now it doesn't work.
--------------------------------------------------
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? … They don't.

They arrest the bulb for being broke

And beat the room up for being black.
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes - Quod erat demonstrandum
#357 (permalink)      5/19/2016 11:05:16 AM US Central   quote/reply + tips
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FapiFapo
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Bye Bye FastTech !! It's been an epic ride,but i'm done with this badly managed forum
#358 (permalink)      5/20/2016 10:59:34 AM US Central   quote/reply + tips
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Andre_Here
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A man escapes a prison where he has been locked up for 15 years. He goes into a house and finds a young couple in bed. He forces the young man into a chair and duck taped him there. Then he leans over the woman and kisses her neck, then he goes into the bathroom. The man whispers to his wife "Honey this man is an escaped convict look at his clothes. He probably hasn't seen a young woman in years, I saw the way he kissed your neck, so do whatever he says of he might kill us be strong honey love you."

The wife leans over and whispers "He wasn't kissing my neck he whispered in my ear that he was gay and thought you were cute. So he asked if we had any lube, I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey love you too."
So poor that I'm using paperclips for coils, strips of cotton jeans for wicks and coupons: MAP, BLF, DEALS & Event Discounts! But, I'm feeling much better now! LOL + No one should have 0 Kudos
#359 (permalink)      5/20/2016 11:00:35 AM US Central   quote/reply + tips
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Andre_Here
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Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
So poor that I'm using paperclips for coils, strips of cotton jeans for wicks and coupons: MAP, BLF, DEALS & Event Discounts! But, I'm feeling much better now! LOL + No one should have 0 Kudos
#360 (permalink)      5/21/2016 5:26:34 AM US Central   quote/reply + tips
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DaddyDead
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Quis custodiet ipsos custodes - Quod erat demonstrandum
#361 (permalink)      5/21/2016 5:31:47 AM US Central   quote/reply + tips
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fujiibear
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The Curse Of Silence

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch.

The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year.
However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year,
then the following year he was allowed to speak two words.
(This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love.
With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say
"my darling".
But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her.

Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him.

So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds.
Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily,

"My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder,

and parting her ruby lips, said:








"Pardon?"
Scammers Gotta Scam! How To Keep Idiots In Suspense.'Wink'